First Blog

Starting Weight:133
Current Weight:126
Goal Weight:105


Hello and welcome reader! :)
I’ve never done anything quite like this before, so I’m just gonna jump right in and you try keep up…
My names *** ****, but just Hollow_Bones to you.
I’m seventeen, and live in the middle of nowhere.
I’m here to tell you the truth about anorexia. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
So I guess we should start from the beginning…

Unlike most anorexics, I can pinpoint the exact moment when I ‘turned’.
It was late August last year (2007), and I was in the park with my boyfriend.
He was the first real boyfriend I’d had, (My first kiss) And I was mad about him, and he made no secret that he was mad about me too.
So there we were, in the park eating each others faces off, when he started to touch me.
First my face, then neck, shoulders, arms, back… Legs… Thighs…
I recoiled.
Not because I didn’t like it, not because I didn’t like him, but because I was ashamed.
It was a weird numbing feeling, like the one you get after being hit in the face with a football.
It was the moment I realized that I had a problem. That I could never truly be happy unless I was thin.
I phoned him a week later and explained that I didn’t think I deserved to be with him, and I broke it off.

From that moment I was never the same. I had devolved from my sociable, carefree self into a shameful, depressive, self-conscious hermit.
And thus my battle with food began.
Binge eating, starving, vomiting, you name it.

I tried to fight it at first. I put on a brave face and acted like nothing was wrong at my friends 18th birthday, but unfortunately I only worsened my situation.
Most of the boys there were drunk, and a select few of them kept following me, poking and trying to grope me.
I felt unworthy of the unwanted attention and confused as to why I was getting it.
I felt naked and violated. I wanted to disappear.

Over the next few weeks I became extremely depressed. I cut off all my hair in hopes of deterring the attention.
Now i look back and think it was rather extreme, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
I remember looking in the mirror, chunks of hair at my feet, telling myself once I was thin I could wear all my nice clothes again, I could wear makeup… But until then I was undeserving.
And so I regressed and regressed, slowly losing all my friends and worse myself.
It got so bad that i wouldn’t even leave the house, not even to walk about the garden.
I felt so small, so insignificant…

By late November that year I’d dropped from 133 to 119 pounds.
My breasts had shrunken from a size 36DD to a 32C and my jeans a UK-size 14 to an 8.
What scared me the most though was my noticeable lack of strength.
I suffered from sudden blackouts if I was awake for more than six hours a day and my arms were so weak I actually fractured my wrist lifting a 1’5L bottle of water out of the fridge!!

The ironic thing is, I used to laugh at those skinny girls. The models, the Pop-Stars… I remember watching ‘The Jeremy Kyle’ show at breakfast with my mom once.
A young girl, thin as a lamppost, was crying her eyes out as Jeremy asked her about her battle with anorexia.
‘Get some food down your neck you bag-o-bones!” Id laugh naively.

It wasn’t until early March (2008), that I was offered an apprenticeship through my dad at a Hairdressing salon.
Having spent the last six months wilting away I snapped up the proposal.
I hated what id become, what anorexia had done to me. I was hoping to forget, to start a new…
And for a few months it worked.
I was so caught up in the hype of a new job, starting Hairdressing college, my fight with anorexia seemed to just, melt away…
Within the month my weight had crept back up to its natural 133 which, although heavy for my 5’1 frame, was healthy.
Slowly I built my muscle back up with regular trips to the gym, and as mt strength increased, so did my confidence. Once again I was happy and back to my sociable, smiley self.
I even started doing things I enjoy again, like painting and reading.
I had my life back.
Only, it never really goes away…

In the past two weeks I’ve dropped back to 126.
And as a result my stomach is so messed up that whenever I do eat, I find myself doubled over with stomach cramps.
On bad days I have diarrhea from eating as little as one yoghurt, and if I try and eat heavy carbohydrates such as bread and cake, I instantly vomit.
I’m also Vegan which, for me, is very dangerous.
Being Vegan I’m already susceptible to low calcium levels, and since I’m also ‘suffering’ with anorexic my chances of Osteoporosis, a disease of the bone, doubles.

Sad thing is, I’m still convinced its all worth it.
Every time I drop a pound on the scale I feel amazing.
Its like a drug, an addiction.
It’s the most exhilarating high, leaving you feeling confident, beautiful and worthy.
It makes me feel on top of the world, like I deserve to be alive, like I finally deserve to be happy.
But with the highs come terrible lows.
Getting on the scales and realizing you’re still the same weight, leaves you with a gut wrenching feeling of depression and hopelessness.

And now, still unsure why, I’ve sunk back into my old ways.
Back to the E-Days, F-Days and S-Days, a diet designed by myself for extremely rapid weight loss.
Today, its what I call an ‘E-Day’.

E-day literally means ‘Empty-Day’:
On E-Days I fast. (Yes, that means i eat nothing.)
I keep my energy levels high by downing coffee and flavored waters like crazy.
To keep cravings at bay I drink diet sodas and chew gum practically all day, I must go through at least eleven packs of the stuff a week!

F-Days on the other hand, mean ‘Food-Day’:
My F-Day diet consists of a bowl of ‘Special K’ (The one with strawberries in yummy!) Soy milk and my usual cup of coffee for breakfast.
For dinner, (I don’t eat lunch.) I like a portion of ‘Heinz -Vegetable Soup’ and a mug of ‘Horlicks’ before bed.

And finally S-Days, Sundays:
Every Sunday, my mom traditionally cooks the family a roast. My job is very exhausting and since I consume so little in the week, I make sure I eat a large portion of steamed vegetables to avoid blackouts.
Here’s an example of my average week, and how I stagger my E-Day fasts:

Monday:E-Day
Tuesday:E-Day
Wednesday:F-Day
Thursday:E-Day
Friday:E-Day
Saturday:F-Day
Sunday:S-Day

And repeat...


And thus ends my first blog.
I intend to post every night, but with that said I probably wont.
I think I’ve covered almost everything I’ve wanted to tonight… I’m now off to snuggle up in bed and watch some Star Wars. :)
(Oh yes, I have a geeky side.)
For now, goodnight x